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Monday, February 26, 2007

Save Our Models

I Read this and thought it was really funny.

I used to think that firefighters, astronauts and Komodo dragon handlers had dangerous lines of work. And then I learned more about the modeling industry.

Remember when young girls with excellent posture used to aspire to this glamorous profession, dreaming of trips to Paris and perhaps even marketing their own workout videos one day?

We are now learning that there is a dark, cellulite-dappled underbelly to this beauty business. And we have learned it primarily through reality TV.

• • On "America's Next Top Model," which is just beginning its seventh (!) season, we've learned that "next" may never come, as long as Gisele Bundchen refuses to give up her spot.

• • On "Project Runway," we've learned that one day you're in, and one day you're out. And either way, you're left shivering on the runway in nothing but a black slip.

• • On "The Agency," a new show on VH1, we've learned that there is no place for tact in fashion. "Hi, you're too old and you're too short," a modeling exec tells a wannabe mannequin. "But thanks for coming by."

Think of some of the biggest names in the business:

• • Anna Nicole Smith, who parlayed a Guess! photo shoot into a circus-themed death spiral.

• • Kate Moss, who appears to subsist entirely on endorsement deals, drugs and bad boys.

• • Naomi Campbell, who has found that chronic hunger can lead to some, um, anger issues.

• • Tyra Banks, desperately casting about for a new career, assuring us with tears in her eyes that she feels beautiful with a few extra pounds on her -- until the inevitable day she announces that she's lost weight on the NutriSystem diet and she feels, believe it or not, even more beautiful. And ready for another comeback.

Pouty and petulant for good reason
Well, at least Banks is alive. That's not something to be taken for granted, as more reports trickle in of models dying of anorexia.

But if she's truly happy with herself, she's in the minority. A new study from London's City University surveyed models and found that they are pouty and petulant for good reason. Their mental health suffers, they have lower life satisfaction, they have low self-esteem and unhealthy obsessions with their bodies, they feel isolated and out of control.

They'd be more content in office jobs, conclude the researchers.

If I may respond to that? In case any couture models are out there reading this and considering a career change to, say, journalism?

Office jobs aren't all they're cracked up to be, either. The heady days of unmonitored supply closets and trying to look busy while playing Tetris are over.

But the free, fresh baked goods brought in by co-workers make it all worthwhile. That's what it's all about, my emaciated friends.

At this point, models are in a no-win situation. If they're too thin, they're criticized for setting a bad example. But if they put on weight, they're less likely to get hired.

And so I'm starting a campaign to Save the Models. It's time for them to get out of the fashion industry. With a little organization, we can rehabilitate them and help them re-enter mainstream society. I'm looking for volunteers to:

• • Teach models how to walk without strutting, scowling and whipping their heads around. That's the kind of thing that's bound to get them injured on public transportation.

• • Show models how to eat peanut butter and wear sweat pants.

• • It wouldn't kill them to learn to type, either.

I'm counting on each and every one of you to help ease the transition for these unhappy lovelies. If you come across one confused in a bar, show her how to buy her own drink. If you see one with her stiletto stuck in an escalator, set her free.

Remember: It's up to us. We're role models now.

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